The Power of Questions: Stoic Inquiry as a Path to Growth
Four and a half years after a life-altering request for divorce at SMF, I’ve learned that growth begins not with quick answers but with courageous questions. From 4 AM workouts to parenting across court dates, Stoic inquiry keeps turning obstacles into opportunities—and it can do the same for you.
The airport gate was empty except for me and my thoughts. Gate A10 at Sacramento International Airport (SMF), mid-pandemic, waiting for a flight that would take me away from the life I'd known for over a decade. I wasn’t carrying divorce papers—just the words from my ex requesting we end our marriage. The questions wouldn’t stop coming: What now? Who am I without this relationship? How did I get here?
These weren’t comfortable questions. But as I would discover in the months and years that followed, they were exactly the questions I needed.
The Ancient Art of Stoic Inquiry
The Stoics practiced what they called prosoche—continuous attention to the present moment, what others today may call mindfulness. They believed wisdom came not from accumulating facts, but from relentlessly examining our thoughts, judgments, and reactions.
Seneca advised, “Every night before going to sleep, ask yourself: What weakness have I overcome today? What virtue have I acquired?” This disciplined self-examination helped separate what we can control from what we cannot—the fundamental Stoic dichotomy.
Why Questions Matter More Than Answers
In our era of instant Google searches and AI-generated solutions, we’ve grown addicted to quick answers. The Stoics knew the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our questions:
Questions reveal assumptions.
When I first wondered “Why did this happen to me?” I cast myself as a victim. When I reframed it to “What can I learn from this?” I reclaimed my agency.Questions create growth space.
Between stimulus and response, questions insert a pause—what Viktor Frankl called our “freedom to choose.” In that space lies our power.Questions distinguish control.
The essential Stoic inquiry—“Is this within my control?”—cuts through anxiety and focuses energy where it matters.
From Ruins to Rebuild: A Personal Journey Through Questions
Four and a half years have passed since that moment at SMF. My ex formally filed for divorce almost a year later. I endured two court days, countless disagreements, and persistent challenges. Throughout, I didn’t seek answers—I sought better questions:
“What kind of father do I want to be now?”
“Which habits no longer serve who I’m becoming?”
“How can I use this pain as fuel for growth?”
These inquiries led to concrete change. I began waking at 5 AM—not to read Stoic texts, but to exercise and work on self-improvement. As a lifelong night owl, this was revolutionary. Asking “When am I most focused?” revealed that pre-dawn hours gave me clarity and momentum.
I phased out social media the same way: by asking, “Does scrolling through others’ curated lives help me build my own?” The answer was clear.
Later, my weekly “Kids & Papa Zooms” evolved into in-person parent-visitation weekends, school breaks, and holiday gatherings. We still face mountains to climb, but those questions keep us moving upward.
Marcus Aurelius: The Emperor Who Questioned Everything
Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations is a record of self-interrogation, not imperial decree:
“What brings no benefit to the hive brings none to the bee. Am I acting for the common good?”
“How much trouble he avoids who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does. Am I attending to my own improvement?”
“At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: ‘I was born to work—against distractions, complaints, and excuses.’”
He didn’t write platitudes—he challenged himself. His journal shows that relentless questioning is the bedrock of a life well-lived.
A Practical Framework: Five Daily Stoic Questions
Here are five Stoic inquiries that can transform your day:
What is within my control right now?
Thoughts, choices, actions—these you can shape. Everything else is outside your power.What would my ideal self do in this situation?
Imagine your “Sage” guiding you. You don’t need perfection—just a clear direction.How might this obstacle be an opportunity?
“The impediment to action advances action,” wrote Marcus. Every setback hides potential growth.What story am I telling myself, and is it true?
Epictetus taught that events don’t disturb us—our judgments do. Question your narrative.If today were my last day, what would truly matter?
Memento mori—remembering death to clarify priorities. This question cuts through trivial anxieties.
The Question Behind the Questions
As of today, my morning routine has evolved again. I now rise at 4 AM—joining the “4AM club”—to exercise, listen to podcasts, journal, and prepare for the day. The questions that once kept me awake now guide me forward.
But the goal isn’t final answers. Life is too dynamic for that. The goal is to keep asking better questions. As Rilke wrote, “Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
In a world that profits from our distraction and reactivity, the simple act of pausing to ask, “Is this who I want to be?” becomes revolutionary.
So here’s one final question—the one that started my journey and continues to shape it:
What question do you need to ask yourself that you’ve been avoiding?
Sit with it. Don’t rush. Let the question itself do its work. That’s where growth begins.